|
|
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
|
|
|
HEY ANGIE! How ya doing... reading my journals. Your fucking pathetic and you think I wouldnt know that it was you that commented in my journal. I think its really sad that we havent talked in months and your lonely ass who can only get a "friend" from the internet is still stalking me over the compute. Get a freaking life my goodness! Its really funny! I love the attention, and your all wrong about me anyways. You see what you wanna see coz you let people that you dont know influence you and how you feel and how you act. I seriously look at you and I wonder if you would ever be able to make it alone. I feel so sorry for you and I'm sorry you're still looking all over my journals and prolly checking my myspace seeing if you can actually look at it and what not. Just so sad. Please you fat ass, stop sitting home all fucking day eating 2 fucking cows and 5 fucking pigs and get up make some real friends and do something productive with your life! oh and next time you wanna try and post some shit ass lies on my journal actually post it with your name. Stop being a fucking pussy and grow the fuck up.
Not to mention the fact that is HAS been months and you are still obsessing over me. LOL what does that say about you, seriously? Take a long hard look at yourself coz you really need to, not just because your so fat and you actually need like extra time to look at ALL of you, but because you are fucking up in the head and wonder why half your "friends" dont like you... my brother warned me about you, told me not to be friends with you because you've had alot of friends at work and they all stopped talking to you because YOU were the one who talked shit about them. LOL Its whatever now, hope you read this and I hope you enjoy it coz its the last you will EVER hear from me. Leave me alone, stop calling my phone, stop texting me all the time, just please please stop stalking me! I'm starting to get scared like seriously.
enough said! bee-otch!
|
|
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
|
|
|
Okay, just looked at the Hanson site.
They are gonna be at Rams Head Live on Oct 15th... who wants to go? I'll buy your ticket and your alcoholic drinks!
PLEASSSEE I'M FUCKING DESPERATE HERE! LOL
|
|
|
I've been doing pretty well with my classes. I missed a couple :0 but I think it will be alright. Just looking through my schedule and my tests and what not, I realized I need to put more time into my homework and studies. We have our first test in Biology and everyone is flipping the fuck out! haha only 3 chapters and its already hell. I'm not flipping out that much coz I already took the class once and I pretty much understand most of the beginning of the class. But I dropped the class so, yeah I'm gonna be like whaaat in the second half. Everyone is also flipping out about the teacher which in my opinion I think she is pretty bad and worse than my other teacher I had for this class. Which I never thought I would say because my other teacher sucked. But this one I have now, like doesnt explain things very well. and everytime someone will ask her a question she doesnt really know the answer to. Not only that, but she tends to like brag about her "intelligence" and its extremely annoying. None of this really matters anyways coz no matter what I HAVE to pass the class. I just need to like sit myself down and actually study which is something that I dont really do.
I hate following the same car all the way from my house to fucking school, especially if they drive slow as shit! gaaah! sucky. lol
I cant believe baseball season is over already, it seriously feels like we just started playing. I'm so sad coz when theres no baseball I really dont know what to do with myself. I want the team to win so badly, its insane. I mean I dont want to see it happen, but if they need to they can trade my briany. LOL I give them permission. But I still think we are better off with him, hes like the only veteran on the team who actually plays well. My dad was telling me when the O's were in the series, EVERYONE goes crazy. I mean I just cant wait for that day to come!
I just started listening to Hanson again, even though I've had their new cd since Christmas, I just opened it and yeah of course like every cd they have out, its awesomeness! If I can find someone I'd like to go see them in concert, but yeah I dont have a friend that likes them. Maybe I will pay them to go with me. hmm? lol
Have a hell of a day yall!
|
|
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
|
|
|
|
I just broke down crying. I think half of it is because of pms. But I think the other half is because I am so scared to start school tomorrow. I have honestly little faith in myself, that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm so scared I'm going to fail and I'm going to have like no control over myself and I'm going to be skipping classes and what not. Trust me, its the last thing I wanna do because I so badly wanna be able to pass all my classes and everything. But I honestly dont think I can do it. I know this is horrible, I'm putting myself down and everything but I just cant help it right now. I mean I wanna have faith in myself but I want to try to be realistic. I HATED working at wal-mart. If I dont do this, I'm not going to be able to work a nice job. or a job that I would love. I just feel like I'm going to fail and I'm not going to be able to do this. I know I'm repeating myself over and over again, but I dont know what else to say. whatever, wish me luck.
|
|
Thursday, July 31st, 2008
|
|
|
|
I also wanted to post an entry about my mother. She annoys the fucking hell outta me. GET THE FUCK OVER IT! IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE, ONLY YOU CAN FUCKING CHANGE IT! I dont care if you are my mom.... there comes and point and time where you have to put your family aside and do what you need to do for you! NOT dor your family or anyone else! Therefore, with that said you need a break and you need to get off my ass so my back doesnt fucking break. Enough trash talk about my mom, usually I dont do stuff like that but I cant fucking take it anymore. sorry I know its irresponsible!
|
|
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
|
|
|
Okay so besides the fact that it took me like 2 days to get motivated to type my career speech, I actually feel accomplished knowing that its almost over. I mean I hate writing outlines but it should be a breeze with already having my speech written. Its actually gotten me really excited about entering the Vet Tech field. I know its going to be alot of work and dedication and I honestly wonder if I can do it. But I'm not gonna give up, I'm gonna keep trying until that day comes when I realize I cant do it. I'm not setting myself up for failure, but I am trying to be as realistic as possible. With my past in college and my laziness especially with this speech its hard for me to see me dedicating myself this hard. I hate admitting that.
So today, I saw "The Happening" with Megan. It was hella nice to get to see her again and also to get some one on one time. Seems like the only time I ever see her is with a group of people. The movie was pretty good too. Of course like every M. Night movie my expectations were high but still I was satisfied. The ending could have been alot better and because of an interview I saw with him saying that he was worried about the ending and that it might be too scary or controversial... it was nothing like that. lol but still a good movie and very interesting concept.
Saw the previews for "Eagle Eye" with my main man, Shia! I'm so excited for the movie and for him. Hes making some awesome movies and I literally followed him since he was on even stevens. And seeing him now and one of the biggest movie stars is just awesome!
So not only did I get my speech done, but when I read it for my mom she told me I had nothing to worry about because I am a good writer! I know my mom doesnt lie to me and for her to say this gives me a lil more confidence. I honestly dont think I could ever get comfortable standing up there in front of 20 ppl but maybe I could be alil more confident knowing that what I wrote isnt completely retarded. I'm still very nervous. But excited because no one else in the class is doing Vet Tech and almost half of the ppl in the class are doing nursing. I would hate to be one of those students coz hearing the same thing over and over again is extremely boring. AHH my stomach is all up in Knots!
|
|
|
Okay so I just had an interview with a vet tech for a school project and I think it went really well. It was very inspirational. The vet tech working there had no experience with animals or working in a vet field and for her to be there working as a supreme vet tech is just very inspiring. If she can do it, so can I!
She also got me very excited about the work and the job. It makes me wanna just hurry up and start my life. I'm so excited and I cant wait to start this. It also made me realize that I'm gonna have to work really hard at school. I think in a sense, knowing what I've done in the past with school and knowing where it has lead gives me more of a reason to try even harder. It doesnt matter what age you finish school or what age you start college, all that matters is your dedicated and willing to work for what you truly want in life. If you have that, you have the world!
|
|
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
|
|
|
Okay so is it bad that growing up I was extremely shy, and still to this day I am very shy. I'm afraid to try new things and go to different places by myself. I dunno how I'm gonna survive out on my own. I'm taking a speech class to get myself back in the groove of school and I absolutely hate it. Our next speech has to be atleast 5 mins long. I couldnt even stand up there for a minute and talk. My voice was shaky along with my knees and whole entire body for that matter. How can someone be so outgoing in front of a classroom of ppl they have never met? I think the reason I am the way I am all ties back to my middle school years. I got teased constantly for just being me. It got to the point where my self-esteem was so low I didnt wanna be here anymore. How selfish is that?
Tomorrow I have to go to a vet doctors and interview a Vet Tech for my speech. I'm nervous, I dont like doing these types of things and I guess the way to handle it and get better at it would be to just keep doing things like this. Keep putting myself out there and not worrying so much about how other perceive me.
A recent argument with a "friend" has got me thinking about myself and her. I honestly feel sorry for her. She has no clue whats going on and she assumes that everyone is talking about her all the time. Not only that, but she lets it interfere with her friendships, and lets her paranoia take over to point where she starts to believe it. But at the same time, she was a shitty friend so honestly its her loss. I hope she takes a nice long look at herself and realizes that if she keeps it up, she will die alone.
I've gotta get started on some school work, holla!
|
|
|
Despite being hella tired, I woke up 15 mins before 8. Yes I am awesome! I love waking up early and sun shinny mornings. Its beauty right in my backyard. I've been thinking alot lately about my life.
I wanna get the hell out of wal-mart. The only good thing that has come from that job is the fact that it made me realize that I could never ever work a shitty ass job for the rest of my life. I mean my old job was a fucking gem compared this shit. And I'm so tired of everyone taking it so seriously. I dunno why but I really dont think its that big of a job. Even if you are a dept manager I dont think its that big of a deal. And its really funny like when the dumbest shit happens everyone flips, but when like big shit happens everyone blows it off. And I'm so tired of everyone talking about eachother. I'm not gonna lie, I like to gossip. I'm a girl, its what 99.9% of women in the whole entire world do. But its all I hear about all day. Like OMG this person did this and OMG she did WHHHHAAAATTT?!?! I'm over it. and yeah I have a couple of friends at work, but I dont really know if I can trust them. I've already found out that one of these ppl have been going behind my other friends back and telling a manager all this shit that this other girl was saying. I dunno, thats a lil shady and def made me think twice about what I say to her. Yeah, I know I should have known but I like to think the better of ppl and not make conclusions about someone bases on what others tell me. LOL my bro gets so pissed that I'm kinda involved in the drama but seriously, I'm a girl. Nuff said.
I wanna travel so bad. and I wanna get a new learning experience just see different places and meet different ppl. I love Baltimore and I wouldnt wanna live anywhere else, but I want a different atmospher. I'm gonan ask today if I can get vacation time and if I can I'm gonna find anyone to go away with. So what if its OC it'll be nice to get away for a while.
I'm def going back to school and I wanna go back TODAY! But I cant. I know that if I go back in the summer my ass wont be doing any work. Though I'm afraid if I wait till the fall I wont get my ass to do it, but honestly I would rather not do it, then do it, fail and waste my money. and I was just thinking about how I wanna join the vet tech program which the program is a 2 year program, but I need to enter the program in the fall... which means I will be in school for another 3 years. I dunno if I'm okay with that. Honestly I'm a lil embarrassed about it but there is no doubt in my mind that its worth it. and I would love to be able to save my money and pay for my own classes coz then I wont have that burden of my parents on my ass.
I've been drinking waay too much. LOL which part of my thinks is normal but another part of me is like oh hell no get it together girlfriend. Good thing is, I wont be going out this weekend. I'm working till 10 tonight, and tomorrow night I'm staying in coz I want to get up early to spend Easter morning with my family, coz I gotta fucking work on Easter?!?! seriously, thats some fucked up shit. I dunno I wonder who the hell is gonna come in there on easter. Its so ridiculous. Like I said, the job is a shit hole and not that serious so why the hell are we open on Easter? ugh! I dont wanna work today!!! Sometimes I wish on my way to work, like I would get into a car accident. LOL yeah its that bad.
I'm gonna go, I only have like an hour before hell starts.
|
|
Monday, February 18th, 2008
|
|
|
What I miss about my childhood:
1. I miss not having a care in the world. Not worrying about being up at a certain time or getting somewhere on time. Not having to worry about if my parents are gonna bitch coz I didnt go any chores around the house.
2. Friday nights coming home from school. Fridays arent the same any more. Just coming home and knowing that you have 2 days to sleep in and relax before another week at school. I especially miss TGIF. how awesome was that line up. Boy meets world, Full house, Family matters... Fridays are never the same anymore
3. Saturday morning soccer. Waking up and hearing the sound of the kids screaming, parents cheering, and whistles blowing. Rididng my bike up to the field and just being so pumped because soccer was my favorite sport. I couldnt wait to get on the field and just run my little heart out.
4. Saturday afternoons just relaxing at my house. The sun shinning through the window, just sitting on the couch watching nick. Again not having to work and just enjoying my free time. Looking back now I realized that I def took that all for granted.
5. Saturday night NICK. need I say more. I mean again a great line up of shows to watch and of course... I LOVE LUCY. They played like 4 hours of that shit. The best show on tv. Now I'm lucky if I get to see one episode.
6. I honestly cant believe I hated going to school. After having a full time job at the worst place ever, school is like heaven. I miss going to school and if I could do it all over again from pre-k to senior year I would... okay maybe. But I miss being jobless. I wish there was a day especially on the weekends where I could just spend the whole day not worrying about work. Now if I spend a day at home, I feel like a pathetic piece of shit because I didnt do anything. Even when I do have time off, I'm too busy sleeping of my exhaustion.
7. I miss the old days with my family. Dont get me wrong, I love my whole family to pieces and I love spending time with them. But now I guess since I'm older and I know alot more aboout whats really going on, its just upsetting. ppl who I thought they were are becomming someone totally different. And everyone is just on the run trying to get to their next activity and they arent even thinking to stop and just enjoy the moments we have together.
8. I miss going over my grandparents on the weekends. My bro and I would spend the night on saturdays when my parents went out together. We would stay up playing all sorts of games... especially tiddly winks! Sleeping in my grandmas bed with her and waking up the next morning looking out the window seeing the park and the school. Its sad, I can hardly remember who my grandmother was.
9. Sunday evenings when my bro, dad, and I would all go up to the field and play softball together. The sun getting ready to set and the dirt on my hands. I cant really explain it but whenever the sun is shinnig or the weather is at a certain temperature it always reminds me of those days.
10. Ocean City family vacations. I'm talking my whole family. Everyone from my moms side and everyone from my dads side. We all stayed at the same place, same floor, side by side. Spent all day on the beach and walking the boardwalk at night. Then right before bed I would sit out on the balcony with them and we would just watch the ppl walking by. I miss waking up early in the morning down there. Man, no better feeling. I mean OC is this place where it's always busy and full of ppl. But in the morning when almost no one is up its just so calm and relaxing. Beauty right in front of my eyes.
|
|
Sunday, February 10th, 2008
|
|
|
Just reading some stuff in the news about a young woman shooting 2 of her college classmates and then shooting herself. The shooters mom came forward and said something like she didnt know why she did it... It made me wonder should parents be held responsible for their child's actions no matter what age? Should it matter if the child still lives with the parents or not. I'm starting to think it should. I dont care what age you are, your parents have 100% effect on what you do and why you do it. People who come from good parents dont go and kill others. I'm not gonna sit here and say I'm perfect and that I have never thought bad things about myself and others, but the decision to not act them out had a big difference on the person I am today. I dunno just a wierd thought. Maybe like parents should be held responsible for their childs actions until they move out of their parents house... but then what do you do when you have a 40 yr old that still lives at home. Does someone's age have an affect on the person you are. Honestly, I feel as if we dont truly learn who we are until we have gone out and been on our own. Just to let everyone know I have an uncle who is like 40-something still living at home, so this is not bias. I mean kinda wierd though that the mom has like no clue her child wants to kill ppl.?.?. how crazy is that??? she doesnt know her own child??? I dunno some wierd shit going through my mind.
So I have a crazy ass crush and I cant get over it.
I've also decided that I will try to be laid back and somewhat cool... like chill and nonchalant... if thats how you spell it. lol I will try to be... different maybe. I still feel as if there is no reason for me to lower my standards for how a friend should be, but at the same time maybe I am too strict. I mean I can have the same standards just losen them a lil right? like not be so hard on someone for living up to my expectations all the time. I am seriously your worse nightmare when it comes to friendships. To those who have stuck by me, THANK YOU! To those who have bailed, I'M SORRY!
|
|
|
I cant believe its July already! I feel like summer is gonna go by so fast. I know why too, coz I'm counting down the days till my 21st Birthday! I have like 16 days left. Its so exciting and we will be down OC for that week too! So it will be some fun times.
I really think I'm staring to become an insominac, which is something I dont wanna have! lol duh! Seriously, I've been up now for almost 14 hours. I couldnt get to sleep last night and I wanted to get to bed early, but of course that didnt happen. I wound up getting like 5 hours of sleep and I've been up since midnight. This really sucks. But hopefully staying up all damn night will get me back to a normal sleep pattern.
On the other hand staying up all night has given me alot more time to get some stuff done during the day. I took a walk at like 6 am and ran for about 5 mins. lol cut my some slack I smoke almost a pack a day. I had a wonderful breakfast with my mom, went to wal mart and laid in the sun! Its been nice actually doing something with my day rather than just sleeping all day.
I wanna start getting in shape. This means toning my tummy, eating healthy, getting fit and eventually quitting smoking. I know its gonna take a while but if I'm dedicated I can do it!
well thats all my tired lil brain can handle...
enjoy the sunshine!!! :D
|
|
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
|
|
|
okay so this is gonna be my ranting, angry journal entry... at least the first half of it. haha
so yesterday I woke up extra early to get ready and be at school on time, but of course classes didnt start until 10am. lol omg a drop of snow lets close down the whole freakin world. My brother just told me that some area in new york just got 70 inches of snow and they are expecting about 20 more inches today! OMG if that happened here, I literally think everyone would just die. So anyways back to my rant I was in a very good mood yesterday morning until I went to my sociology class. My teacher is the dumbest fuck on the planet! He walked into class and he wanted to write on the boards but there were no markers and he literally starts hyperventalting and I'm all like omg just fucking deal with it you idiot! He starts to like slam desk drawers and what not trying to find markers, when oh my goodness it finally hit him, hey why dont I actually walk out of the classroom and get some! Who would have thought. Lets just say that was about 15 mins wasted of class time and my life. Then we spent the whole class going over how to compose a research with closed ended questions!!! WTF were not in high school okay, it doesnt need to be 30 mins of going over that shit. I literally wanted to pull my hair out!
Its been almost 2 weeks and I havent even gone through two pages of notes in that class. Hes not teaching us jack shit and I'm starting to get so fucking pissed! Like I'm about to just stand up and holler and scream at him for being a fucking retard and wasting my life and money. I'm not the only one who thinks this thank god, other people that I have talked to in the class feel the same way. ugggh! So the rest of the day I was in like shittiest mood. I think half of the reason I was so upset is because I've taken the class before and I had such a better teacher who actually taught us something. Thats another thing that makes me so mad, I had the opportunity to take these classes with teachers who are obviously so much better, but instead I get the shitty ones for the classes I'm actually gonna try in. I realized that I have to do all this work on my own, and hopefully I will be able to pass.
Yea so lets do a little LOST review. It was fucking amazing! I was alil nervous for it to come back on and with all the hype it wouldnt be as good as I was expecting but it was! OMG Julie, I dont know what to expect from that bitch! Seriously, I liked her before but now its like shes a fucking liar... I dont trust her and JACK shouldnt either! Oh yea and lets not forget JACK seriously this episode is why he is my favorite character. He doesnt listen to anyone else. One person is telling him to kill BEN and the rest of THE OTHERS are telling him to save BEN! JACK, being the awesome guy that he is, takes it into his own hands and hes like "I'm not gonna fix him unless I know KATE is safe! If she doesnt radio back to me than I'm gonna let BEN die!" aaahhh! Oh and the room with the boy, wtf some brainwashing going on there and it scared the shit outta me! Seriously, a bad mistake taking him back to the other side of the island! Now the boy is like tainted and hes not safe... but ALEX awww! I feel so sorry for her and I really want her to get off the island. I think I'm gonna go back and watch some of the older shows and maybe see if I can get some hints and clues about whats going on.
I think I'm done... my morning rocked, my day sucked, and my night was awesome!
xpeacex
|
|
Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
|
|
|
my car wouldnt start this morning, so it sucked hardcore. I was ten mins late for my lab class and I had to park really, really far away! It sucks coz its like freezing cold outside and I literally feel like I'm gonna freeze to death when I'm walking to or from my car.
I have a shit load of homework to do tonight, so I'm planning on taking my books to work with me and hopefully I can get some of it out of the way. I also have some writing assignment due in psych that I have no clue what its about, and I'm guessing no one else is since he really didnt talk about it the last class. I also have to go into work early coz patty is sick. boo! lol
oh yea not to mention... I'M GETTING LOST TOMORROW!!! yay! I'm so excited... no more repeats and every weds is gonna be like the best day ever! I'm such a nerd! :)
|
|
Monday, February 5th, 2007
|
|
|
Today I had school from 8-12 and it wasnt all that bad. I'm starting to come to like my psych teacher, when he actually teaches the material the right way instead of trying to be cool. On the other hand, I cant stand my earth science teacher. Seriously, wtf is she saying?? She doesnt speak english. Her way of teaching is just so sporadic and out there is like all over the place and instead of teaching one thing at a time shes teaching like all these different topics at once. I look to the guy next to me and I'm like, "what are we doing" and hes all like uhh I dunno! lol yea so now I know that its not just me who doesnt understand this woman, and I cant wait till the end of the semester when get to fill out our evaluations. oh and dont get me started on my sociology teacher... wtf okay were in college we know how to study for examines, we dont need a 20 min lecture on how to do that, or 20 min story on how you "think so much faster than you write." Bull shit! I personally think that he was a complete loser and still is! haha I'm so mean!
Anyways enough ranting about teachers... I have a shit load of readings to do for school and it sucks! I've fallen behind, and the only class that it seems to be affecting me in is earth science... hmm I wonder why.
I made coffee and it taste like its low fat? yuck! For those of you who got stay inside today your so lucky! lol I was walking up to the campus and oh my freaking gosh was it cold. My legs went numb! and when I was walking back to my car I like had to sit there for 10 mins to like re-gain consciousness. yikes!
Yesterday was a nice surprise, Jen came home for the weekend and I got to go out to lunch with her! It was nice to see her again and I hope I can see her again real soon... if not Fanfest 2007 is where we will meet again! I love her! haha I bought a bumper sticker that says, "I'm only speeding coz I really have to poop." Which is so true in my case, and sorry to those who didnt wanna know that. lol
Some other things on my mind, and also the not so happy thoughts of course but I'm trying to keep a positive mind and not let them get to me.
xpeacex
|
|
Friday, January 5th, 2007
|
|
|
So I've been wanting to write in my ELJAY for quite some time now and I'm finally here to do it. I'm actually nervous about what I'm going to write but some things have been on my mind lately and this is the best way for me to express myself!
Some lighter issues...
My Holiday wasnt all that great. Christmas seemed like it everyone was too busy to just hang out and be together and I felt that I got little to no time to spend with them. New years was alright, nothing too big. I just bought a portable DVD player so I can watch movies in my room while my mom is sleeping in the living room at night and I FREAKING LOVE IT! I know it sounds like retarded or whatever but I love the fact that I can sit in my room and watch dvds. I never had that privilege before so its cool. I rented "Ice Age: The Meltdown" which was awesome and I didnt think I would like it as much as the first one but I did. I also rented "Little Miss Sunshine" which was so cute and it was very funny, I do recommend that movie to everyone. I also got "The Last Kiss" which was a good movie until the very fucking end... it like just ended and I was like okay its over, but it was still very good. I also got "Devil Wears Prada" which was good too! I mean I had to let that sink in for a lil bit coz yea you know its a deep meaningful movie :cough cough: but it was good! I also plan on getting the new movie/documentary about global warming with Al Gore. Yea I really wanna see that coz its such a real problem thats happening today... I mean it was fucking almost 60 degrees out today in January, thats not normal.
Work is starting to suck out my heart. I turn into a completely different person there and I dont know what the hell is happening. I think its from working too much. I mean 4 years is a long time to be with a place that is pretty much a dead end job with no future. The people are starting to annoy me... well most of them there are like 2 right now that dont really bother me at all or ever! I mean people calling out whenever the hell the want or calling out atleast once a week, its total crap and if it were any other place they would be gone. But I'm learning to adjust to that and just get over it.
So I'm actually nervous with like butterflies in my stomach to type whats been bothering me because its about people that I love so much. Lately I've been feeling kinda left out and lonely and sad and depressed. I feel like I've lost all my friends including the one person who I thought I could never lose. It sounds horrible but I've been thinking about it alot and NO I'm not entirely mad because I know that they are off living their lives and doing new and different things with new and different people but on the other hand I want to be included in their lives. I mean lets be honest I only have a couple of good friends and I'm not the most popular person on earth. But these are friends that I honestly always thought that I would have with me. and I know that no matter what I will always have these people but I just feel like they are slipping apart from me. Its a horrible feeling to feel like your losing the only people that were ever truly your friends. Everytime I try to call someone I dont get an answer and then I try to ask someone to hang out and its like they already have plans or they just beat around the bush to make the response of no. I mean Im a big fucking girl here so if I ask you at 2pm to hang out on a friday night at like 9pm and you cant or dont want to, just fucking tell me right then and there. I mean yes, of course I will be upset because you know its a friday night and I spend every night in the house excpet for when I'm working and I wanna actually do something but I wouldnt be as upset as if you waited till the very last minute to let me know. That sounds a lil familar!
I have a friend who is the most wonderful friend/person I could ever have in my life. I wouldnt trade her for the fucking world because I would be no where with out her and I mean that with everything in my heart. But I feel like I'm losing her now because shes got a significant other and I feel like I am no longer her best friend or as important to her as I was before. Now, I am a lil more sensitive in this area because I lost a life long friendship to someone else and their significant other or others lol. But I never thought that it would happen with her. I mean we used to have so much fun together and now I get this sense that she is bored when we hang out or sad or lonely because she is not with this other person. I mean I can totally understand that feeling because I have been there many times where all you wanna do is be with that one person, but on the otherhand I cant recall me acting differently or anything else because that person was not around? If I have please correct me. Believe me I am happy that everyone is falling in love but I never that I imaganed I would be eliminated in the process.
Maybe I'm naive or just plain stupid because duh thats what happens when you fall in love... I wouldnt know coz I've never been in that situation. I mean is it normal or am I just crazy to be feeling this way?? I dunno. I dunno what to think or feel or who to be or how to act or what. I mean I feel like I am on the verge of becoming socially retarded.
Atleast I know one thing is for sure, alochol is my friend!
|
|
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
|
|
|
What kind of friend are you?
what kind of friend says, "your ex-boyfriend thinks I'm hot, and wants to ask me out."
what kind of friend calls you a best friend when they choose every fucking friendship over yours.
what kind of friend puts their boyfriends happiness before yours?
I'm so sick and tired of this girl. I've done nothing but stand beside her and still I get the fucking bull shit. There are so many times when I just wanna hang out with her and its like I either get no response or I get some bull shit excuse. I just want to be done with it. I dont even care anymore. My ex b/f wants to ask her out, and knowing her she'd prolly go out with him if she didnt already have a b/f considering she already did something like this to me before. I fucking hate this! I wanna go back to being invisible. There are days I wish I never woke up. I swear I could sleep all day and it would be alot easier on all of us. Sometimes I wish I had a totally different life. I mean with the same friends and family but just something totally different. Its amazing how much affect one person can have on you. You would think that people like that would be special, but they are not! They dont deserve any shit they get, its just the way it goes. The way life works. Some people are just lucky and I dont understand it.
I miss jen! :(
|
|
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
|
|
|
I dont know why, but today is just not my day... well yesterday wasnt either. I've been feeling down lately. It seems that after I broke up with james no one wants to talk to me anymore. I'm tired of friends and their significant others, but I'm always happy for them. I'm also happy that I'm not with james anymore because I realized that if I was I prolly wouldnt be able to spend time with my friends as I would like to. It seems that some of my friends are waay into their other lives that they have forgotten about who has been there the whole time. I've also learned alot from a past friendship and that no matter what I dont wanna loose my friends. Even if it turns out to be the kind where we just see eacother every now and then to catch up on eachothers lives, I want them in my life forever. I was stupid before and thought that just because sometimes friends have a falling out and realize that you dont need them as close to you as you originally thought, then it ment it was over for good. I have to live with that feeling forever. Because I feel horrible for the way I handled things and if I could go back and do it all again, I would do it differently. I realized that I'd rather have a friend barely in my life then completely not in my life at all.
Also, this past week has been wierd. I cant believe I led myself into a trap. A L-O-V-E trap! haha just kidding. I trusted someone else instead of myself and now I feel used and deceived. I'm handling it alot better than how I thought I would. I mean my first reaction was originally to crash my car because that does help heal the pain... But after talking to bestest friend in the world I understood that its not the end of my life and what kind of loser would I be to just give up? Its the best feeling in the world to overcome the lowest of lows, and right now I'm pretty low, but I know that I will get back up there.
See you all on the top!
|
|
|
I've been doing alot of thinking lately about everything going on in my life. I'm having a hard time of letting go of a past relationship. Its wierd coz right after we broke up we stopped talking for like a month, then finally I went back to school and we started talking again. I realized last night that its time for me to move on and to get over him. I've been so mean to him because of the way he treated me and I dont like having that feeling that he got to me, and he knows it. I think the best thing to do right now, is to stop talking to him.
I also have been thinking about school obviously. I stopped going and now my brother knows. He makes me feel guilty about it everyday and its only because he's happy that finally I've done something wrong and its not him. I dunno whats gonna happen if I fail outta essex, that will be pathetic. But I can get myself on the ball, I need to do that because I need to get my job started, and finally start living.
I've also realized that whenever I'm feeling down about life and what not, if I go to chruch or specifically Bible Study, I learn alot about myself and I realize alot of things. Like last night we were talking and this lady was saying about how she has doubts sometimes. That just surprised me so much because here I am thinking that evetyone sitting around me is 100% positive that there is a God, but I guess I was wrong. So its cool to see that even the most religious people can have doubts. I really hope that someday I can become more religious because that is my ultimate goal in life!
|
|
Monday, February 27th, 2006
|
|
|
so what happened to livejournal?? haha no one ever gets on anymore, but I think I'll make a post ne way since my last post was so depressing. Just wanted to let everyone know I am feeling better about everything in my life. Well mostly everything. I still hate school and I have no clue what I wanna do but if I get really into this photography class and actually do a decent job at it, then I think I might wanna do that kinda stuff. Its really fun, but alot of hard work which makes it much more fun in the end because I know that my hard work paid off.
I have a new boyfriend now and hes amazing. I never knew I could feel this way about ne one and I know its too soon to say, but I know that I'm def falling in love with him. Hes wonderful in everyway I could imagine. I mean he can be alil annoying at times and talk alot, but hes just wonderful. Words cant even describe how he makes me feel. I love to be with him and I try to take that up with every chance I get. I used to be so critical of people who like fell for someone so hard and so fast, but now I see what they are talking about. He makes me want to be a better person which is a good thing, because thats what everyone wants in a relationship.
I am just enjoying the time that I have and while I'm doing that I am trying to do my best at my school work, but its hard you know. lol well for me it is ne ways. I get so lazy and I've already skipped all of my classes at least once. But I think I might be able to pull it off. I hate the fact that everytime my mom mentions school I get so upset and scared, because I know she is putting forth all this money and I'm not doing ne thing to help with it. Believe me I wanna get a good job, but its just hard because I'm at the age where I just wanna party and have fun with my friends. Hopefully I will overcome that.
well I think thats about it for the updat check back in another month! HA
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shychick3318's journal
scared shitless.
nervous.
energetic.
hating work.
refreshed.
drunk.
grateful.
drained.
cold.
crappy.
okay.
crazy.